Daddy

My parents are divorced and have been apart since I was about 6 I think.

Looking on as fathers play with their daughters, doting on them, seeing that special relationship they have - hurts. Growing up without that - I feel like I have missed out forever. I'll never get that back. Growing up, I was jealous of kids who had their Dad's around. I wanted to know what it was like. My Dad lived 4 hours away. We saw him maybe once a month and half the holidays. I understand now how much it must have hurt him to miss out on the everyday things, and not be there for so many moments, and firsts, and stepping stones. But at the time, he had moved away. That's all that mattered to me. He wasn't there. And we weren't incredibly close. Who do I get to help me with the school project that requires me to make something out of wood or other materials? Why can't I have both parents at my plays and awards and parent/teacher days? I needed my Dad. I needed a male role model. I needed that relationship. I longed for it and still do. Since I didn't have it in Dad, I looked for it elsewhere. In other relationships with guys. I searched for security and love and what I'd missed out on in those relationships. Except this only created more heartbreak, more hurt, as one guy after another took another piece of my heart and often trampled on it. As I kept trying to fill the hole, I kept making it bigger. And that's hard to deal with. How do you heal a heart broken in that way? How do you ever fill a hole like that? The father /daughter relationship is essential to a girl's life, to a young woman's life. Don't get me wrong, I know my Dad loves me. Sure it took me a long time to realise that and figure out ways that he showed me, but I know now. God did that. He opened my eyes. But it hasn't changed the past. It hasn't given me the relationship I long for. It hasn't given me those special moments growing up. What do I do about that? Over the years that I've been a Christian - I've learnt to recognise the ways Dad does show his love, even if it's not in the way I want it. I know that I'm lucky to have my Dad around and be able to talk to him. He didn't just leave and never look back. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But I have a longing, and I thought nothing would ever heal me of that hurt, and I'd never get back what I had missed out on.

This isn't true though. God has made me so many promises in His word - promises to heal me, scriptures that tell me He delights over me, scriptures that tell me He knows my sorrows and hurts, each one of them, promises that tell me I am a daughter of God, that He is my Father and I can call Him Father, dear Father. I am His child.

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds

Rev 7:17
For the Lamb who stands in front of the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to the sprigs of life-giving water. And God will wipe away all their tears.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

John 1:12-13
Yet to all those who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.

I have an earthly father yes. But I have a Heavenly Father, who is the Father of all Father's. In my first year as a Christian - I wrote in my journal:

"Lord I began to understand more about You being my Father today. Lord whatever I haven't recieved, it's ok, for You are my Father. Only You can fill that gap and provide for me all I need. No matter what has happened, what I have missed out on from my earthly Father, it's ok. Because You are my Father. You fill everything. Nothing here on earth could give me the love I need, nothing could fill that space but you."

God is offering me the Father/daughter relationship that I never had and would actually never have fully with an earthly father. Because a relationship with God as my Father is so much more complete. It is the perfect Father/daughter relationship. He told me that He wants to be my Father, that He will satisfy my longing and give back to me what I have missed out on. Do you know how big that statement is to me? God will give me what I have missed out on. I don't know how or when, but I know He will. Whether it's on this side of Heaven or not, He will fulfil that promise. And oh how that makes my heart sing. I will get to experience everything that I never thought I would. I so long for that. As He says in His Word, God will heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. I won't miss out. I haven't missed out. I'm not there yet, but God is working on me, He is wrapping up my heart and filling it bit by bit. And I know He won't ever stop. I know He will satisfy my longings, He promised me.

There's a beautiful song - by Britt Nicole - called Don't Worry Now - Ibalwed my eyes out when I heard and realised what it was written about. Britt's parents divorced when she was about 7 - around my age. But she gave it over to God and allowed Him to heal her through this song. It's simple and beautiful and it's hope.


Britt Nicole - Don't Worry Now

Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don't wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don't think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we're gonna make it
We're gonna make it

[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok

I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now

It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it's gonna be ok

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok