God's gift to me

I've been back in Australia for about 2 weeks now.

Since leaving Rwanda, and being back, I've been trying to figure out how I feel. I cried when I left the orphanage. I cried when I got on the bus to Kigali and left Gisenyi. I cried when the plane took off. But after that, it suddenly felt removed from me. Rwanda and the weeks I'd spent there and all the memories and experiences that I had, suddenly felt like a dream and felt out of my grasp. I felt numb. And that's the way it's stayed since. I've been missing Rwanda of course and the people, the friends I made. It's been hard to not be with them. But I still felt I was in some kind of surreal emotional limbo, where I couldn't feel much, I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad as such, I just didn't feel much at all. It's been confusing. And I can't really describe it in words, so I'm afraid I can't communicate it very well!

Some amazing connections and opportunities have been opening up since I got back and I've started to see amazing generosity from people as well, wanting to help out the orphanage. This has been my source of joy. I'd come to realise the last few days that behind everything, I had this persistent unhappiness, and that was the first emotion I could grasp onto, the first bit of clarity I had about how I was feeling. Unhappiness that I'm not in Rwanda. A feeling of detachment from anything here in Australia. But amongst that, I have had immense joy over these doors opening up with charities, schools, etc. and people here. It's keeping me going.

Then last night, after excitedly telling people at home about these amazing connections and opportunities, I went upstairs to go to bed, and as I was getting ready, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness and how much I miss Rwanda and the orphanage. The first tears since the plane took off, burst out. I just cried and cried, hurting over the fact I wasn't with them. In a way, it was a relief. It was what I'd been waiting for, some sort of release of emotion. But it still hurt. I then just started to pray for the kids, for the orphanage, and for a way to get back over there as soon as possible. I started to feel calmer as I did this, and felt God say that because He loves me, and because He loves them (the orphans), that He will give me whatever I ask for. So boy did I start praying! But it's true, when you pray for things in line with God's will and pray in Jesus' name, God answers - not always in the same way you imagined, or on your time, but He answers and He comes through, always.

This morning, I woke up, and that feeling of sadness sat in my heart and I felt like it was going to be a hard day. I was barely up and I was having a hard day. I was missing them terribly. I've been able to communicate via email and once or twice phone, with some of them. But Jean Baptiste, who I wrote about in my GVN blog, the 16 year old who I connected with and vice versa, who I want to give the world to and has my heart, I hadn't been able to contact him. He had written down his email for me and it kept bouncing back. Apparently he had tried to email me as well but I was getting nothing. It had been a major source of frustration, not being able to communicate with him. So as I went about getting ready this morning, feeling weighed down with sadness, I asked God to help me today, and told Him that what would really make me happy today would be to get an email from Jean Baptiste. I had asked the night before as well, to please fix this email problem! So that was all I asked for today, for His help and to give me an email from Jean Baptiste.

I got to work, and before I settled in, I opened my email account and sitting there, was an email from none other than Jean Baptiste. I can't tell you the level of excitement and joy I had at that moment, seeing his name in my inbox. God had answered my prayer. On the day that I needed it most, He had forseen this day, He knew, and it came like a burst of light in the darkness. It absolutely made my day, more than that! And Jean told me how he thought about me, and that he had been so happy when I visited him at his school, and that now I was gone, he was very sad, but he will never forget me and he thinks about "all the good things I did". I love this kid to bits.

How amazing is God. That just absolutely blows me away. But that's who God is. It just reminded me of how caring He is, how much of a Father He is, and how much He understands my needs, my heart, my desires. He cares for the little things. He knew this day was coming and how I would feel. I asked for one thing today, and He gave it to me. It wasn't a likely event, because no emails between us had worked up to this point. It was God's gift to me. There's a verse that says "How wonderful are Your gifts to me, how good they are". It's so true. God has been showing me that since I got back, and especially today. I'll tell more about the other things (the doors opening up, the connections, the generosity etc.) in another blog, things are still happening there. But for now, I wanted to share this story. Because I believe that it gives such a beautiful and clear picture of who God is and what He does for us, how much He loves us and cares for us. I LOVE that God did this for me, it means the world to me and He knew it.

God is so unbelievably incredible and His love is so amazing and unending.
He knows us and He understands. And He is always there for us. Forever.