My parents are divorced and have been apart since I was about 6 I think.
Looking on as fathers play with their daughters, doting on them, seeing that special relationship they have - hurts. Growing up without that - I feel like I have missed out forever. I'll never get that back. Growing up, I was jealous of kids who had their Dad's around. I wanted to know what it was like. My Dad lived 4 hours away. We saw him maybe once a month and half the holidays. I understand now how much it must have hurt him to miss out on the everyday things, and not be there for so many moments, and firsts, and stepping stones. But at the time, he had moved away. That's all that mattered to me. He wasn't there. And we weren't incredibly close. Who do I get to help me with the school project that requires me to make something out of wood or other materials? Why can't I have both parents at my plays and awards and parent/teacher days? I needed my Dad. I needed a male role model. I needed that relationship. I longed for it and still do. Since I didn't have it in Dad, I looked for it elsewhere. In other relationships with guys. I searched for security and love and what I'd missed out on in those relationships. Except this only created more heartbreak, more hurt, as one guy after another took another piece of my heart and often trampled on it. As I kept trying to fill the hole, I kept making it bigger. And that's hard to deal with. How do you heal a heart broken in that way? How do you ever fill a hole like that? The father /daughter relationship is essential to a girl's life, to a young woman's life. Don't get me wrong, I know my Dad loves me. Sure it took me a long time to realise that and figure out ways that he showed me, but I know now. God did that. He opened my eyes. But it hasn't changed the past. It hasn't given me the relationship I long for. It hasn't given me those special moments growing up. What do I do about that? Over the years that I've been a Christian - I've learnt to recognise the ways Dad does show his love, even if it's not in the way I want it. I know that I'm lucky to have my Dad around and be able to talk to him. He didn't just leave and never look back. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But I have a longing, and I thought nothing would ever heal me of that hurt, and I'd never get back what I had missed out on.
This isn't true though. God has made me so many promises in His word - promises to heal me, scriptures that tell me He delights over me, scriptures that tell me He knows my sorrows and hurts, each one of them, promises that tell me I am a daughter of God, that He is my Father and I can call Him Father, dear Father. I am His child.
Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds
Rev 7:17
For the Lamb who stands in front of the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to the sprigs of life-giving water. And God will wipe away all their tears.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
John 1:12-13
Yet to all those who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
I have an earthly father yes. But I have a Heavenly Father, who is the Father of all Father's. In my first year as a Christian - I wrote in my journal:
"Lord I began to understand more about You being my Father today. Lord whatever I haven't recieved, it's ok, for You are my Father. Only You can fill that gap and provide for me all I need. No matter what has happened, what I have missed out on from my earthly Father, it's ok. Because You are my Father. You fill everything. Nothing here on earth could give me the love I need, nothing could fill that space but you."
God is offering me the Father/daughter relationship that I never had and would actually never have fully with an earthly father. Because a relationship with God as my Father is so much more complete. It is the perfect Father/daughter relationship. He told me that He wants to be my Father, that He will satisfy my longing and give back to me what I have missed out on. Do you know how big that statement is to me? God will give me what I have missed out on. I don't know how or when, but I know He will. Whether it's on this side of Heaven or not, He will fulfil that promise. And oh how that makes my heart sing. I will get to experience everything that I never thought I would. I so long for that. As He says in His Word, God will heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. I won't miss out. I haven't missed out. I'm not there yet, but God is working on me, He is wrapping up my heart and filling it bit by bit. And I know He won't ever stop. I know He will satisfy my longings, He promised me.
There's a beautiful song - by Britt Nicole - called Don't Worry Now - Ibalwed my eyes out when I heard and realised what it was written about. Britt's parents divorced when she was about 7 - around my age. But she gave it over to God and allowed Him to heal her through this song. It's simple and beautiful and it's hope.
Britt Nicole - Don't Worry Now
Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don't wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don't think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok
I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it's gonna be ok
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Beyond The Four Walls
I heard something today about babies. That up to a certain age, they can only see a limited distance. When you move in close to them, and into their area of vision - that's when they can see you, that's when their eyes light up as they recognise you. But step outside that area of vision, and they can't see or recognise. It's beyond their boundaries of vision. It made me think about all of us, at any age, and our vision. I think even though we grow out of this stage, and can see further physically as we grow up - we still have limited vision. There is only so far we can see. Anything outside that barrier, and we don't see it. Imagine living inside four walls, we can only see what's within those four walls. As we move, the walls move with us, and as we move into different areas, we see different things. As we move forward we see just a bit more. I think our lives are very much like that. We can only see what is around us at times, what's within those four walls. And we can't see outside them. But someone else can. He can see the whole picture, He sees what's beyond those walls, in each direction. God is bigger than our area of vision, so much bigger. He sees what we don't and knows what we don't . Sometimes He'll open up a window and allow us to see glimpses of what's ahead, what's outside these four walls that are the present, the time we are in now. There could be a plan that's about to come into fruition just oustide the wall, perhaps a dream come true, or beautiful gift, a window of opportunity you've been waiting for, a new stage of life. If you hide your money away in a box - away from sight, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It's just out of sight for now. It's within reach if you want it, you can go and get it. So just because we can't see these things outside the wall, we can't see things getting better, or can't see that dream coming true, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist and isn't attainable. It's within reach - as long as we are moving in the right dirction and as long as we keep moving. If you stopped moving, then those fours walls would stop, you wouldn't allow what's outside of those walls to come inside, into your vision. And if you are moving in the wrong direction, those things that were just beyond your reach, become more and more out of your reach.
We need to understand that even though we can't see these things now, we can't see an end to the season we are in, that it does exist and that God can see it. So we need to keep moving, but in the right direction. And because we can't see it just yet, and don't know in which direction we should be moving because we can't see, we need to allow God to guide us in the right direction. We need to trust in Him that He has those things, those plans, those dreams for us, and we need to trust His guidance, allowing Him to move us in the right direction. God says in Psalm 32:8 - "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you". Further on in 33:4 it says, "For the word of the Lord holds true and everything He does is worthy of our trust". So we can be 100% sure that He will guide us along the best pathway for our life. He will advise us on what to do, where to go, and watch over us so that if we do start going the wrong way, or we don't see that big hole in the path in front of us, He will let us know and steer us away from harm if we let Him. We can trust He will do this because it is in His Word and His word holds true. And we can trust that no matter what we're going through right now, no matter the hurts, the trials, the darkness, He will see us through it and out the other side. Everything He does is worthy of our trust, because everything the Lord does is good. His plans are to prosper you and not harm you.
Dont' be discouraged because you can't see past the walls around your life, don't be discouraged that you can't see what's going to happen in the future - because He can see. He will watch out for you. Just put your trust in Him and give Him the reins, give Him the steering wheel and just follow.
We need to understand that even though we can't see these things now, we can't see an end to the season we are in, that it does exist and that God can see it. So we need to keep moving, but in the right direction. And because we can't see it just yet, and don't know in which direction we should be moving because we can't see, we need to allow God to guide us in the right direction. We need to trust in Him that He has those things, those plans, those dreams for us, and we need to trust His guidance, allowing Him to move us in the right direction. God says in Psalm 32:8 - "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you". Further on in 33:4 it says, "For the word of the Lord holds true and everything He does is worthy of our trust". So we can be 100% sure that He will guide us along the best pathway for our life. He will advise us on what to do, where to go, and watch over us so that if we do start going the wrong way, or we don't see that big hole in the path in front of us, He will let us know and steer us away from harm if we let Him. We can trust He will do this because it is in His Word and His word holds true. And we can trust that no matter what we're going through right now, no matter the hurts, the trials, the darkness, He will see us through it and out the other side. Everything He does is worthy of our trust, because everything the Lord does is good. His plans are to prosper you and not harm you.
Dont' be discouraged because you can't see past the walls around your life, don't be discouraged that you can't see what's going to happen in the future - because He can see. He will watch out for you. Just put your trust in Him and give Him the reins, give Him the steering wheel and just follow.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Point Of Difference
God has no favourites. Growing up, especially being the middle child, I always believed I was the odd one out, and that my brother and sister were the favourites, simply for being the eldest and the youngest. I'd also get jealous of their talents and skills. They were good at the things I wanted to be good at. To me they had more noticeable and practical talents. My brother is brilliant at music (we can all play musical instruments), he also excelled in sport (rowing in particular), drama, anything he put his mind to. He has a brilliant mind. I celebrate those gifts and talents now, but earlier on, they frustrated me. And my sister, she has a knack for IT, and science, she's pretty and popular, is good with money, makes a great home. Again, at the time, I constantly compared myself, and not just with family, but people around me, people at school and after school, people at work. I never felt good enough. And thought that everyone had favourites and I was left out.
But that's not the way it works with God. Galatians 2:6-9 speaks about just that. Paul declares that God has no favourites, and that he and Peter had been given different tasks and responsibilites. They were serving the same God, and were equal in His eyes, but had different strengths. It's the same with all of us. We've all been gven different strengths and roles in life, none higher than another. Some are more front of stage and in the spotlight than others, yes, but it's all just as important to God and works together. I have as much to offer as the next person. You have as much to offer as the person next to you, or the person on TV, or the manager of a multi-million dollar business. We should be able to recognise each other's gifts as unique from God and encourage each other in these gifts as we continue our own work we've been given to do. Rejoice in your own gift, recognise it as unique and God given and vitally important to this world, and encourage others in theirs. You have something that this world needs. That's why you are not the same as everyone else. That's why you have different talents. If you had exactly the same mix of talents and personality as everyone else, you wouldn't be needed. But because you are created as an individual and with unique giftings, this world NEEDS YOU! This generation needs you, it needs what you have to offer, so give it to them!
Galations 6:4-5 says:
"Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct".
If you focus on your gifts and what you should be doing, then you'll lose the need to compare yourself to others. You won't need to because you become satisfied in what you're doing, because you are doing what you were made to do. You will begin to have confidence in yourself and see why you are needed.
I was the queen of comparison and it's something I still need to watch, but God has been teaching me and showing me the difference I am making when I do what I do best. Sure sometimes I need to be reminded of my gifts and why I do the things I do, and if I'm doing the right thing, but God is faithful, and will encourage you and show you, because He wants the best for you and the best out of you. He created you for you the best, so be the best and love it! And hey, it's ok if you're unsure about your gifts and what you're meant to do. That's what this journey is about with God, discovering who you are. Just ask Him who you are, ask Him to show you your strengths and your talents, listen to what people around you say you're good at, listen to your heart. What makes you angry? What makes you happy? What gets you heart racing? What do you get passionate about? Some of these things may take time to discover, and may take some developing, but go after it! If it's what God has placed inside you, He has already set the path for success and given you what you need to be the best. God told me to take what He has given me and share it with others. He told me that I had so much to offer, a wealth of potential and dreams within me, He told me dare to believe and dare to dream. Believe that I have the capability to achieve what I dream of, what you I see.
That isn't just for me, it's for you too, so go on, dream and believe. I dare you!
But that's not the way it works with God. Galatians 2:6-9 speaks about just that. Paul declares that God has no favourites, and that he and Peter had been given different tasks and responsibilites. They were serving the same God, and were equal in His eyes, but had different strengths. It's the same with all of us. We've all been gven different strengths and roles in life, none higher than another. Some are more front of stage and in the spotlight than others, yes, but it's all just as important to God and works together. I have as much to offer as the next person. You have as much to offer as the person next to you, or the person on TV, or the manager of a multi-million dollar business. We should be able to recognise each other's gifts as unique from God and encourage each other in these gifts as we continue our own work we've been given to do. Rejoice in your own gift, recognise it as unique and God given and vitally important to this world, and encourage others in theirs. You have something that this world needs. That's why you are not the same as everyone else. That's why you have different talents. If you had exactly the same mix of talents and personality as everyone else, you wouldn't be needed. But because you are created as an individual and with unique giftings, this world NEEDS YOU! This generation needs you, it needs what you have to offer, so give it to them!
Galations 6:4-5 says:
"Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct".
If you focus on your gifts and what you should be doing, then you'll lose the need to compare yourself to others. You won't need to because you become satisfied in what you're doing, because you are doing what you were made to do. You will begin to have confidence in yourself and see why you are needed.
I was the queen of comparison and it's something I still need to watch, but God has been teaching me and showing me the difference I am making when I do what I do best. Sure sometimes I need to be reminded of my gifts and why I do the things I do, and if I'm doing the right thing, but God is faithful, and will encourage you and show you, because He wants the best for you and the best out of you. He created you for you the best, so be the best and love it! And hey, it's ok if you're unsure about your gifts and what you're meant to do. That's what this journey is about with God, discovering who you are. Just ask Him who you are, ask Him to show you your strengths and your talents, listen to what people around you say you're good at, listen to your heart. What makes you angry? What makes you happy? What gets you heart racing? What do you get passionate about? Some of these things may take time to discover, and may take some developing, but go after it! If it's what God has placed inside you, He has already set the path for success and given you what you need to be the best. God told me to take what He has given me and share it with others. He told me that I had so much to offer, a wealth of potential and dreams within me, He told me dare to believe and dare to dream. Believe that I have the capability to achieve what I dream of, what you I see.
That isn't just for me, it's for you too, so go on, dream and believe. I dare you!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Forever Called
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, both before I became a Christian and as a Christian. Such were some of the mistakes I felt that I could never be used by God, that I was truly unsavable and could not seek forgiveness.
But God's grace is neverending, it truly is, and He chooses to love us just the same, no matter what we do. Something I learnt was that our calling and purpose never change. What God has placed in us to do, doesn't change because we stuff up. This is something that God has really been teaching me this year in particular and I wanted to share it.
If you read Galations 1 - Paul talks about who he was before he was saved. As Saul, he violently persecuted Christians, but then he says it PLEASED God in His kindness to choose him (Paul) and call him. Think for a second about that, here is someone who hates Christianity and goes out of his way to persecute Christians, and violently, yet it pleases God to choose him and call him. God called Paul before he was born. But Paul stuffed up a lot and chose to walk a different life. Yet God's purpose and calling on his life didn't change. God declared His purpose over Paul before he was born, and God is faithful to His word. so Paul's mistakes were not so much that he could never get back on track. But we can't do it in our own strength, remember it was God's choice in HIS kindess to choose Paul. It's God's grace and mercy that gently pulls us back to Him and puts us on the right path.
There's NOTHING we can do that God can't work with IF we allow Him and IF we turn to Him. His calling and purpose on our lives remains the same - despite what we've done. Incredible. Nothing is impossible for God. He truly can turn any situation and everyone around.
What Paul did when he was Saul, was a complete contradiction to his prupose. But God is glorfied still, because of that 180 degree turn around. Because of the change and new creation in Paul, God was glorified. To give an exteme example, a prostitute can still preach on purity and committment if God called her to it. If she turns around and accepts God's grace, He will still use her to preach that message. And God will be glorified in it. God's call never dies, His words and promises never fade or waver. No matter what. If I think I can never do something for God because I've stuffed up in that particular area, for fear that I would be a hypocrite, I'm wrong. If a persecuter of Christians can became one and preach salvation, nothing is impossible. Of course we have to stop living that life and turn to God with repentance and ask for His grace and forgiveness, but He will gladly accept us and create in us a new person and call out that purpose from within, that's been trodden on and hidden amongst our mistakes.
God planned you, so He knows what you can do, and who you can be, so the calling of your life that He gives you, is the truth about who you really are, and is not beyond your reach. Because it is the reason God made you, He wired you for it.
What God has asked you to do is who you are - no matter what you've done.
But God's grace is neverending, it truly is, and He chooses to love us just the same, no matter what we do. Something I learnt was that our calling and purpose never change. What God has placed in us to do, doesn't change because we stuff up. This is something that God has really been teaching me this year in particular and I wanted to share it.
If you read Galations 1 - Paul talks about who he was before he was saved. As Saul, he violently persecuted Christians, but then he says it PLEASED God in His kindness to choose him (Paul) and call him. Think for a second about that, here is someone who hates Christianity and goes out of his way to persecute Christians, and violently, yet it pleases God to choose him and call him. God called Paul before he was born. But Paul stuffed up a lot and chose to walk a different life. Yet God's purpose and calling on his life didn't change. God declared His purpose over Paul before he was born, and God is faithful to His word. so Paul's mistakes were not so much that he could never get back on track. But we can't do it in our own strength, remember it was God's choice in HIS kindess to choose Paul. It's God's grace and mercy that gently pulls us back to Him and puts us on the right path.
There's NOTHING we can do that God can't work with IF we allow Him and IF we turn to Him. His calling and purpose on our lives remains the same - despite what we've done. Incredible. Nothing is impossible for God. He truly can turn any situation and everyone around.
What Paul did when he was Saul, was a complete contradiction to his prupose. But God is glorfied still, because of that 180 degree turn around. Because of the change and new creation in Paul, God was glorified. To give an exteme example, a prostitute can still preach on purity and committment if God called her to it. If she turns around and accepts God's grace, He will still use her to preach that message. And God will be glorified in it. God's call never dies, His words and promises never fade or waver. No matter what. If I think I can never do something for God because I've stuffed up in that particular area, for fear that I would be a hypocrite, I'm wrong. If a persecuter of Christians can became one and preach salvation, nothing is impossible. Of course we have to stop living that life and turn to God with repentance and ask for His grace and forgiveness, but He will gladly accept us and create in us a new person and call out that purpose from within, that's been trodden on and hidden amongst our mistakes.
God planned you, so He knows what you can do, and who you can be, so the calling of your life that He gives you, is the truth about who you really are, and is not beyond your reach. Because it is the reason God made you, He wired you for it.
What God has asked you to do is who you are - no matter what you've done.
Monday, June 16, 2008
EVERYTHING to offer
"God has sent the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, and now you can call God your dear Father"
Galatians 4:6
You are in God's family.
The spirit of Jesus is in your heart if you accept Him.
You are the daughter/son of a King.
You can call God, who created the universe and mankind, your Father.
Since you are a child of God, everything He has belongs to you.
You are an heir to everything that Christ has been given.
Galatians 1:3-4 - Grace and peace is yours from God, from Jesus, who died for your sins, who came to rescue YOU from this evil world.
Jesus loves you so much. He is your rescuer. He WANTED to rescue you and has, He died for your mistakes, in your place, and grace and peace is YOURS through Him and will never be taken away.
"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything."
2 Corinthians 6:5
You ALWAYS have something to offer, because it is not you that you are offering. It's God in you and God is everything.
The power that you have within you is greater than any power in the world. Greater than satan's power. Because the Holy Spirit dwells within you and is connected to God and to Jesus. Jesus has overcome the world and defeated satan. God is the ultimate, reigning power and authority over everything. The power you have IN YOU is the same power that rasied Jesus from the dead.
Galatians 1:1 - Your call is from Jesus Christ Himself and from God the Father.
Whatever you are called to do, it is a calling from God, not human authority. So nobody can tell you that you can't do it, nobody can change that calling or put it down. It is a special, unique calling from God, just for you. If He called you to do it, you can and will do it.
Galatains 1:6 - The ultimate calling, called by God Himself, to share eternal life with Him - all because He loves you and wants to show mercy. God is continually showing you mercy, giving you chances, so you can be with Him eternally. It's the desire of His heart. How could any of us turn away from that? How can our response be anything but love and devotion?
God has gone to the ends of the universe and back, He has given everything, planned everything, sacrificed everything, just so you can live your life according to His purpose, just so you might know Him and be saved, so you can have eternal life, and in this life, a better life. He has done it all just for you.
Galatians 4:6
You are in God's family.
The spirit of Jesus is in your heart if you accept Him.
You are the daughter/son of a King.
You can call God, who created the universe and mankind, your Father.
Since you are a child of God, everything He has belongs to you.
You are an heir to everything that Christ has been given.
Galatians 1:3-4 - Grace and peace is yours from God, from Jesus, who died for your sins, who came to rescue YOU from this evil world.
Jesus loves you so much. He is your rescuer. He WANTED to rescue you and has, He died for your mistakes, in your place, and grace and peace is YOURS through Him and will never be taken away.
"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything."
2 Corinthians 6:5
You ALWAYS have something to offer, because it is not you that you are offering. It's God in you and God is everything.
The power that you have within you is greater than any power in the world. Greater than satan's power. Because the Holy Spirit dwells within you and is connected to God and to Jesus. Jesus has overcome the world and defeated satan. God is the ultimate, reigning power and authority over everything. The power you have IN YOU is the same power that rasied Jesus from the dead.
Galatians 1:1 - Your call is from Jesus Christ Himself and from God the Father.
Whatever you are called to do, it is a calling from God, not human authority. So nobody can tell you that you can't do it, nobody can change that calling or put it down. It is a special, unique calling from God, just for you. If He called you to do it, you can and will do it.
Galatains 1:6 - The ultimate calling, called by God Himself, to share eternal life with Him - all because He loves you and wants to show mercy. God is continually showing you mercy, giving you chances, so you can be with Him eternally. It's the desire of His heart. How could any of us turn away from that? How can our response be anything but love and devotion?
God has gone to the ends of the universe and back, He has given everything, planned everything, sacrificed everything, just so you can live your life according to His purpose, just so you might know Him and be saved, so you can have eternal life, and in this life, a better life. He has done it all just for you.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Acceptance
During the first years after accepting God in my life, learning that I was accepted and dealing with insecurity was something I had to overcome. I was always a very insecure person, though people would say I was confident, inside I had low self esteem. Always comparing myself to others, always trying to be better and improve myself. And once I became a Christian, the struggle with my past started immediately. I questioned that I could be a Christian. I questioned that God could use me. I thought I was too messed up, had made too many mistakes. Would people accept me and love me once they found out about my past?
What I want to share here is some moments in my life with God so far that have been turning points in this area.
In the first 2 weeks after I made my decision to begin a life with God, there was a bit of a youth concert held at the church I had started attending. I went along to it and it was my first experience with God's acceptance. One of the bands sang this song, and I hung on every word. It was about someone who was questioning that they were any good to be used by God, they had a tainted past and didn't think they were worthy or able, or that God could possibly give them a fresh start. I knew exactly how that felt. It was what I'd been asking myself. But the chorus brought hope, it told the truth. I can't remember the words exactly but it talked about God coming along and forgiving everything, every little mistake, every big mistake. It said that it wasn't anything we could do but it was something God did when Jesus died on the cross. It said that yes, God could use me, He could make me new and I could start all over again. It was such a relief to hear it. God knew, they sang that song for a reason.
Further on down the track, I decided to get baptised. At this point, when I gave my testimony, I didn't go into as much detail as I do now, but I said enough. My whole family were there and all the church. After I had shared my story and after the service, so many people came up to me, telling me how much my testimony had touched them, and had given them hope. I was amazed and here came the first realisation that God could use my past. I didn't have to be ashamed of it or live in regret, but rather I could bless others by sharing my story. Another turning point.
Months later, I was at a youth conference. I'd been struggling with a particular area of acceptance. The thought of telling my future husband about my past made me feel sick. I understood that God could use my past and use me, but acceptance from people, from that one special person, was something I couldn't believe. I thought nobody would want me. God broke through that week. At the end of one of the sessions, God started dealing with this issue. I broke down and gave it to God and He showed me that He fully accepted me, He loved me unconditionally and loved me regardless. It made me realise that it didn't matter if nobody else in the world accepted me, because Jesus did, and that was everything. But it also gave me confidence that God had somebody who would be able to deal with my past and still love and accept me. It was like a huge weight had lifted off me.
There was quite a few times I was asked to share my testimony at church/youth events. Each time God challenged me to share a bit more. It came to a point where one night, God told me not to hold back, to bare my soul. Scary ask! There were people there I didn't know and people there who were close to me but didn't know the full story so I was scared of what reaction I might get. But I got up and shared everything, not holding back. After the service that night, God blessed me and showed me His grace and acceptance yet again. My friends told me that they loved me even more and admired me even more. People who didn't know me that well came up to me and startng sharing about their lives. They could relate to what I'd said. It was so amazing. Praise God that He can use everything for good.
Over the last couple of years, I've been through quite a testing time. I've had a lot of lessons to learn, a lot of issues to deal with, and have been through the fire. It was a time that God really started to prune away all the rubbish. It was a tough time, not just for me, but the people who were closest to me. I didn't make it easy for them, but through it all they stuck by me, accepting me, loving me, challenging me, speaking the truth in love and showing me amazing grace. Those people were an incredible example of God's character and have pulled me through and helped me grow. At my ugliest, they loved me and gave me grace and encouraged me to get up and keep going. Again, God was showing me that He had more for me, that no matter what, He would accept me and He would provide people in my life who also accepted me. And this isn't an ok to not learn the lesson or to treat people badly or anything like that. I'm just saying that you cannot go so far that God's grace can't reach you if you are willing to turn back to Him. His grace and acceptance was only poured out when I made a decision to turn around, to apologise, to repent, to come back to Him. Those decisions didn't make me worthy of His grace or of the friendship of those around me, but rather it was because of God's unfailing love and His decision to give me another chance. It is by God's choice that I am made worthy.
I've started to really hit a major turning point when it comes to self esteem and acceptance. It didn't happen overnight, I had 19 years of wrong thinking to unlearn, but I can confidently say that God has been so faithful and that I am at so much of a better place than I was. I have moved forward and grown. I am now beginning to love myself, to realise my potential (because it is God's potential and He has created me with an incredible vision in mind), I am more confident inside, I am more postitive and trusting, I compare myself less and less and I'm learning who I am in Christ. Sure it hasn't always been easy, there's been some times in the last couple of years I wanted to give up, I couldn't see it ever getting better, I couldn't see myself ever being able to be who I'm meant to be. But God loves us too much to leave us where we are (something someone told me when I was going through all this!). And it's true, He sees the potential in us, He sees the dreams He placed in us, He sees the impossible as possible and He won't leave us in a hole or let us get away that easily. So keep going! I am so blessed to have had some amazing people surrounding me over the last few years. God is everything I need, but He uses people as well, and without these people, I couldn't have done it. It gets better, for a while I didn't believe it, but it does, and there's nothing you can do that will make God not love you or not accept you. His grace is neverending, it will never run out, He wants to show you an amazing life if you let Him. Don't ever give up, don't ever believe you're not good enough. The God of the universe, who created the heavens and the earth, created you. It says in Psalm 139, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, how marvelous are Your works". That's you, fearfully and wonderfully made, a marveouls work, bursting with God's dreams and potential. The reason I named this blog "Daughter of A King", is because that's who I am, I am royalty, and so are you, you are the sons and daughers of the King of Kings and you have been promised to share in His inheritance, in His love and grace, in His riches and blessings. Rise up and accept the title! Come forward and accept His gifts! He has decided you are worthy.
What I want to share here is some moments in my life with God so far that have been turning points in this area.
In the first 2 weeks after I made my decision to begin a life with God, there was a bit of a youth concert held at the church I had started attending. I went along to it and it was my first experience with God's acceptance. One of the bands sang this song, and I hung on every word. It was about someone who was questioning that they were any good to be used by God, they had a tainted past and didn't think they were worthy or able, or that God could possibly give them a fresh start. I knew exactly how that felt. It was what I'd been asking myself. But the chorus brought hope, it told the truth. I can't remember the words exactly but it talked about God coming along and forgiving everything, every little mistake, every big mistake. It said that it wasn't anything we could do but it was something God did when Jesus died on the cross. It said that yes, God could use me, He could make me new and I could start all over again. It was such a relief to hear it. God knew, they sang that song for a reason.
Further on down the track, I decided to get baptised. At this point, when I gave my testimony, I didn't go into as much detail as I do now, but I said enough. My whole family were there and all the church. After I had shared my story and after the service, so many people came up to me, telling me how much my testimony had touched them, and had given them hope. I was amazed and here came the first realisation that God could use my past. I didn't have to be ashamed of it or live in regret, but rather I could bless others by sharing my story. Another turning point.
Months later, I was at a youth conference. I'd been struggling with a particular area of acceptance. The thought of telling my future husband about my past made me feel sick. I understood that God could use my past and use me, but acceptance from people, from that one special person, was something I couldn't believe. I thought nobody would want me. God broke through that week. At the end of one of the sessions, God started dealing with this issue. I broke down and gave it to God and He showed me that He fully accepted me, He loved me unconditionally and loved me regardless. It made me realise that it didn't matter if nobody else in the world accepted me, because Jesus did, and that was everything. But it also gave me confidence that God had somebody who would be able to deal with my past and still love and accept me. It was like a huge weight had lifted off me.
There was quite a few times I was asked to share my testimony at church/youth events. Each time God challenged me to share a bit more. It came to a point where one night, God told me not to hold back, to bare my soul. Scary ask! There were people there I didn't know and people there who were close to me but didn't know the full story so I was scared of what reaction I might get. But I got up and shared everything, not holding back. After the service that night, God blessed me and showed me His grace and acceptance yet again. My friends told me that they loved me even more and admired me even more. People who didn't know me that well came up to me and startng sharing about their lives. They could relate to what I'd said. It was so amazing. Praise God that He can use everything for good.
Over the last couple of years, I've been through quite a testing time. I've had a lot of lessons to learn, a lot of issues to deal with, and have been through the fire. It was a time that God really started to prune away all the rubbish. It was a tough time, not just for me, but the people who were closest to me. I didn't make it easy for them, but through it all they stuck by me, accepting me, loving me, challenging me, speaking the truth in love and showing me amazing grace. Those people were an incredible example of God's character and have pulled me through and helped me grow. At my ugliest, they loved me and gave me grace and encouraged me to get up and keep going. Again, God was showing me that He had more for me, that no matter what, He would accept me and He would provide people in my life who also accepted me. And this isn't an ok to not learn the lesson or to treat people badly or anything like that. I'm just saying that you cannot go so far that God's grace can't reach you if you are willing to turn back to Him. His grace and acceptance was only poured out when I made a decision to turn around, to apologise, to repent, to come back to Him. Those decisions didn't make me worthy of His grace or of the friendship of those around me, but rather it was because of God's unfailing love and His decision to give me another chance. It is by God's choice that I am made worthy.
I've started to really hit a major turning point when it comes to self esteem and acceptance. It didn't happen overnight, I had 19 years of wrong thinking to unlearn, but I can confidently say that God has been so faithful and that I am at so much of a better place than I was. I have moved forward and grown. I am now beginning to love myself, to realise my potential (because it is God's potential and He has created me with an incredible vision in mind), I am more confident inside, I am more postitive and trusting, I compare myself less and less and I'm learning who I am in Christ. Sure it hasn't always been easy, there's been some times in the last couple of years I wanted to give up, I couldn't see it ever getting better, I couldn't see myself ever being able to be who I'm meant to be. But God loves us too much to leave us where we are (something someone told me when I was going through all this!). And it's true, He sees the potential in us, He sees the dreams He placed in us, He sees the impossible as possible and He won't leave us in a hole or let us get away that easily. So keep going! I am so blessed to have had some amazing people surrounding me over the last few years. God is everything I need, but He uses people as well, and without these people, I couldn't have done it. It gets better, for a while I didn't believe it, but it does, and there's nothing you can do that will make God not love you or not accept you. His grace is neverending, it will never run out, He wants to show you an amazing life if you let Him. Don't ever give up, don't ever believe you're not good enough. The God of the universe, who created the heavens and the earth, created you. It says in Psalm 139, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, how marvelous are Your works". That's you, fearfully and wonderfully made, a marveouls work, bursting with God's dreams and potential. The reason I named this blog "Daughter of A King", is because that's who I am, I am royalty, and so are you, you are the sons and daughers of the King of Kings and you have been promised to share in His inheritance, in His love and grace, in His riches and blessings. Rise up and accept the title! Come forward and accept His gifts! He has decided you are worthy.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My Story
I thought that my first post on here should be my story. That way I can let you into my world, into my past, into who I am.
My parents separated when I was about 5 or 6 years old. So I don't have a lot of memories of Mum and Dad together at home. I remember one particular time when they were fighting, I was hiding in the door of the hallway, scared and upset. Dad moved to Melbourne when he left, about 3-4 hours from where we lived in Hamilton, Victoria. That day opened up a huge hole in me that I spent the next 13 years or so trying to fill. It's a hard thing to cope with and understand, watching your Dad pack the last of his things in his van and leave. It was hard for him too. Not that I realised that at the time, it was only years later, looking back on the letters he wrote us, saying how much he missed us and wanted to be with us, did I realise how much he must have hurt. But before that, I just blamed him for leaving. I never knew what a normal marriage should be like, I never knew what it was like to have Dad at home, and I often got jealous of kids who had their Dads around.
Through primary school, I was the teacher's pet, the 'square', as I got called. The popular people used me for answers and help for schoolwork, and to make their friends feel bad when they were kicked out of the group for a while. I went along with it, because I felt it meant I was accepted, even if it was all fake and only some of the time. The rest of the time I was teased. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times in primary school, and became best friends with a girl who I see as my sister still to this day. But being teased so much and not having Dad around didn't help my self esteem or trust. When I got to high school, I was so desperate to fit in. I was always trying to better myself, I didn't view my self as good enough. I didn't measure up and was always trying to. On the relationship side of things, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I felt secure when I had one. I felt like having a boyrfriend would make me whole. Not so. I was used, dumped, cheated on and did everything I could to keep hanging on to them. I had set myself no boundries when it came to how involved I got, and thought it was the norm, that giving all of yourself was how you showed love and how you held onto relationsips. Wrong again. There was even one relationship I was in that I allowed myself to be kept a secret, so his popular friends wouldn't know, while he continued to use me for what he wanted. I didn't know any better.
Drinking was a part of my high school days of course. I drank to be confident, I drank to have fun, I drank to drown out pain. I don't like thinking about the times I drank too much.
All of this worked together to make me one huge mess. I got depressed during my final year of school and went on medication for a while. I came out with confidence issues, trust issues, control issues and insecurity issues and scarred.
After finishing school, I started working full time. It was in this year that I began to question my existence. Because it was purely that, existence with no purpose and a life of mistakes and regrets. What was the point? It was the same thing, day in day out. I was empty. My friend came to my rescue. We'd been friends through the second half of high school and were very close. She's a Christian, and while I always admired and respected her faith, it wasn't for me. She never preached at me or tried to change my mind. She just purely stuck by me through all my ugliness and downs, she accepted me where I was at, loved me and remained such an amazing example to me in her decisions, morals and faith. At the time I was starting to question, I was also in yet another relationship, but one that I wanted to do differently to the others. My friend gave me the book 'Boy Meets Girl' by Joshua Harris. A book about relationships, but God centred relationships. I'd always refused to believe that there was this one God in control of my life. I hated the thought. But as I started reading, God had me. I was wanting a better life. And this book was showing me ways of having a better life. At first I felt guilty, my life was a mess and I was making some pretty ordinary choices. This book made me realise that. So I started to think about God and how He might fit into my life and how I might be able to have a better life. I wasn't sure. Around the same time, The Passion of The Christ came out. I wanted to go see it(unsual for me - but now I see God was doing something). I went with my Christian friend (who was so excited!). As I sat and watched the story of Jesus unfold on that big screen, I was overcome with such grief and sorrow that I hadn't felt before. I cried my eyes out. I'd never really seen or heard the story of what Jesus did before. Sure I knew about Easter, Jesus on the Cross, etc. But it nothing more than a fairytale to me. Up on that screen, I realised I had seen the greatest love I would ever know, and the greatest sacrifice I would ever know. I went home that night and cried and cried. I knew immediately I had to give something back to Jesus, that my life had to be for Him, because I put Him on the Cross, my choices and way of life had driven the nails into his hands and feet. I was mocking Him. Though I had that realisation that night, it took me another couple of weeks to really make the decision. I was too proud, I struggled with the fact that it would be so embarrassing going to church. But God had a hold of me and wouldn't let go. I couldn't hold off any longer. I hadn't said a word to anyone about my thoughts, it was all battled out in my own head. One night, I just made the decision that I was going to give this a go, I was going let God into my life and live for Jesus, so I just prayed a simple and awkward prayer in my bedroom that night, I can't even remember what I said. But the next day, life was different, I felt different, I had joy and excitement, the sky was bluer, the grass greener. I told my friend and my mum I wanted to start going to Church (I wasn't game enough to say I believe in God out loud!). And so I did. What a journey it's been since then, but I think this is enough for now. I hope some can relate.
My parents separated when I was about 5 or 6 years old. So I don't have a lot of memories of Mum and Dad together at home. I remember one particular time when they were fighting, I was hiding in the door of the hallway, scared and upset. Dad moved to Melbourne when he left, about 3-4 hours from where we lived in Hamilton, Victoria. That day opened up a huge hole in me that I spent the next 13 years or so trying to fill. It's a hard thing to cope with and understand, watching your Dad pack the last of his things in his van and leave. It was hard for him too. Not that I realised that at the time, it was only years later, looking back on the letters he wrote us, saying how much he missed us and wanted to be with us, did I realise how much he must have hurt. But before that, I just blamed him for leaving. I never knew what a normal marriage should be like, I never knew what it was like to have Dad at home, and I often got jealous of kids who had their Dads around.
Through primary school, I was the teacher's pet, the 'square', as I got called. The popular people used me for answers and help for schoolwork, and to make their friends feel bad when they were kicked out of the group for a while. I went along with it, because I felt it meant I was accepted, even if it was all fake and only some of the time. The rest of the time I was teased. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times in primary school, and became best friends with a girl who I see as my sister still to this day. But being teased so much and not having Dad around didn't help my self esteem or trust. When I got to high school, I was so desperate to fit in. I was always trying to better myself, I didn't view my self as good enough. I didn't measure up and was always trying to. On the relationship side of things, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I felt secure when I had one. I felt like having a boyrfriend would make me whole. Not so. I was used, dumped, cheated on and did everything I could to keep hanging on to them. I had set myself no boundries when it came to how involved I got, and thought it was the norm, that giving all of yourself was how you showed love and how you held onto relationsips. Wrong again. There was even one relationship I was in that I allowed myself to be kept a secret, so his popular friends wouldn't know, while he continued to use me for what he wanted. I didn't know any better.
Drinking was a part of my high school days of course. I drank to be confident, I drank to have fun, I drank to drown out pain. I don't like thinking about the times I drank too much.
All of this worked together to make me one huge mess. I got depressed during my final year of school and went on medication for a while. I came out with confidence issues, trust issues, control issues and insecurity issues and scarred.
After finishing school, I started working full time. It was in this year that I began to question my existence. Because it was purely that, existence with no purpose and a life of mistakes and regrets. What was the point? It was the same thing, day in day out. I was empty. My friend came to my rescue. We'd been friends through the second half of high school and were very close. She's a Christian, and while I always admired and respected her faith, it wasn't for me. She never preached at me or tried to change my mind. She just purely stuck by me through all my ugliness and downs, she accepted me where I was at, loved me and remained such an amazing example to me in her decisions, morals and faith. At the time I was starting to question, I was also in yet another relationship, but one that I wanted to do differently to the others. My friend gave me the book 'Boy Meets Girl' by Joshua Harris. A book about relationships, but God centred relationships. I'd always refused to believe that there was this one God in control of my life. I hated the thought. But as I started reading, God had me. I was wanting a better life. And this book was showing me ways of having a better life. At first I felt guilty, my life was a mess and I was making some pretty ordinary choices. This book made me realise that. So I started to think about God and how He might fit into my life and how I might be able to have a better life. I wasn't sure. Around the same time, The Passion of The Christ came out. I wanted to go see it(unsual for me - but now I see God was doing something). I went with my Christian friend (who was so excited!). As I sat and watched the story of Jesus unfold on that big screen, I was overcome with such grief and sorrow that I hadn't felt before. I cried my eyes out. I'd never really seen or heard the story of what Jesus did before. Sure I knew about Easter, Jesus on the Cross, etc. But it nothing more than a fairytale to me. Up on that screen, I realised I had seen the greatest love I would ever know, and the greatest sacrifice I would ever know. I went home that night and cried and cried. I knew immediately I had to give something back to Jesus, that my life had to be for Him, because I put Him on the Cross, my choices and way of life had driven the nails into his hands and feet. I was mocking Him. Though I had that realisation that night, it took me another couple of weeks to really make the decision. I was too proud, I struggled with the fact that it would be so embarrassing going to church. But God had a hold of me and wouldn't let go. I couldn't hold off any longer. I hadn't said a word to anyone about my thoughts, it was all battled out in my own head. One night, I just made the decision that I was going to give this a go, I was going let God into my life and live for Jesus, so I just prayed a simple and awkward prayer in my bedroom that night, I can't even remember what I said. But the next day, life was different, I felt different, I had joy and excitement, the sky was bluer, the grass greener. I told my friend and my mum I wanted to start going to Church (I wasn't game enough to say I believe in God out loud!). And so I did. What a journey it's been since then, but I think this is enough for now. I hope some can relate.
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