My Story

I thought that my first post on here should be my story. That way I can let you into my world, into my past, into who I am.

My parents separated when I was about 5 or 6 years old. So I don't have a lot of memories of Mum and Dad together at home. I remember one particular time when they were fighting, I was hiding in the door of the hallway, scared and upset. Dad moved to Melbourne when he left, about 3-4 hours from where we lived in Hamilton, Victoria. That day opened up a huge hole in me that I spent the next 13 years or so trying to fill. It's a hard thing to cope with and understand, watching your Dad pack the last of his things in his van and leave. It was hard for him too. Not that I realised that at the time, it was only years later, looking back on the letters he wrote us, saying how much he missed us and wanted to be with us, did I realise how much he must have hurt. But before that, I just blamed him for leaving. I never knew what a normal marriage should be like, I never knew what it was like to have Dad at home, and I often got jealous of kids who had their Dads around.

Through primary school, I was the teacher's pet, the 'square', as I got called. The popular people used me for answers and help for schoolwork, and to make their friends feel bad when they were kicked out of the group for a while. I went along with it, because I felt it meant I was accepted, even if it was all fake and only some of the time. The rest of the time I was teased. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times in primary school, and became best friends with a girl who I see as my sister still to this day. But being teased so much and not having Dad around didn't help my self esteem or trust. When I got to high school, I was so desperate to fit in. I was always trying to better myself, I didn't view my self as good enough. I didn't measure up and was always trying to. On the relationship side of things, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I felt secure when I had one. I felt like having a boyrfriend would make me whole. Not so. I was used, dumped, cheated on and did everything I could to keep hanging on to them. I had set myself no boundries when it came to how involved I got, and thought it was the norm, that giving all of yourself was how you showed love and how you held onto relationsips. Wrong again. There was even one relationship I was in that I allowed myself to be kept a secret, so his popular friends wouldn't know, while he continued to use me for what he wanted. I didn't know any better.

Drinking was a part of my high school days of course. I drank to be confident, I drank to have fun, I drank to drown out pain. I don't like thinking about the times I drank too much.

All of this worked together to make me one huge mess. I got depressed during my final year of school and went on medication for a while. I came out with confidence issues, trust issues, control issues and insecurity issues and scarred.

After finishing school, I started working full time. It was in this year that I began to question my existence. Because it was purely that, existence with no purpose and a life of mistakes and regrets. What was the point? It was the same thing, day in day out. I was empty. My friend came to my rescue. We'd been friends through the second half of high school and were very close. She's a Christian, and while I always admired and respected her faith, it wasn't for me. She never preached at me or tried to change my mind. She just purely stuck by me through all my ugliness and downs, she accepted me where I was at, loved me and remained such an amazing example to me in her decisions, morals and faith. At the time I was starting to question, I was also in yet another relationship, but one that I wanted to do differently to the others. My friend gave me the book 'Boy Meets Girl' by Joshua Harris. A book about relationships, but God centred relationships. I'd always refused to believe that there was this one God in control of my life. I hated the thought. But as I started reading, God had me. I was wanting a better life. And this book was showing me ways of having a better life. At first I felt guilty, my life was a mess and I was making some pretty ordinary choices. This book made me realise that. So I started to think about God and how He might fit into my life and how I might be able to have a better life. I wasn't sure. Around the same time, The Passion of The Christ came out. I wanted to go see it(unsual for me - but now I see God was doing something). I went with my Christian friend (who was so excited!). As I sat and watched the story of Jesus unfold on that big screen, I was overcome with such grief and sorrow that I hadn't felt before. I cried my eyes out. I'd never really seen or heard the story of what Jesus did before. Sure I knew about Easter, Jesus on the Cross, etc. But it nothing more than a fairytale to me. Up on that screen, I realised I had seen the greatest love I would ever know, and the greatest sacrifice I would ever know. I went home that night and cried and cried. I knew immediately I had to give something back to Jesus, that my life had to be for Him, because I put Him on the Cross, my choices and way of life had driven the nails into his hands and feet. I was mocking Him. Though I had that realisation that night, it took me another couple of weeks to really make the decision. I was too proud, I struggled with the fact that it would be so embarrassing going to church. But God had a hold of me and wouldn't let go. I couldn't hold off any longer. I hadn't said a word to anyone about my thoughts, it was all battled out in my own head. One night, I just made the decision that I was going to give this a go, I was going let God into my life and live for Jesus, so I just prayed a simple and awkward prayer in my bedroom that night, I can't even remember what I said. But the next day, life was different, I felt different, I had joy and excitement, the sky was bluer, the grass greener. I told my friend and my mum I wanted to start going to Church (I wasn't game enough to say I believe in God out loud!). And so I did. What a journey it's been since then, but I think this is enough for now. I hope some can relate.